In Search of Starlight
by Hiraya
Summary: In which Howl searches for Sophie his whole life, falls truly in love for the first time in his life, only for her to be taken away forever. Or so he thought. (Largely based on the Miyazaki film, but some details taken from the books.)
1. Chapter 1

In which Howl searches for Sophie his whole life, falls truly in love for the first time in his life, only for her to be taken away forever. Or so he thought. (Largely based on the Miyazaki film, but some details taken from the books.)

 _DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part of Howl's Moving Castle, as you should know by now._

 **CHAPTER 1: In Which Howl Has the Same Dream**

"Find me in the future.", she yelled, her melancholic brown eyes pleading and fearful as she disappeared into the darkness.

Howl awoke with a start. Just another dream, he thought, as he wiped the sweat off his forehead. Turning his head to the side, Howl looked at his sleeping son's face. With his right thumb hanging out of his slightly open mouth and his left hand clutched tightly around his dark blue velvet blanket, Morgan looked peacefully asleep.

He looks so much like his mother when he sleeps, Howl mused. Without a warning, painful memories came flooding into Howl's mind, ironically, just as he had expected them to. Howl kissed Morgan softly on his forehead and decided to get up quietly so as not to wake the sleeping child and made his way downstairs. Howl knee that he was not going to get any sleep at this rate.

"The same one again, Howl?", said a cracked voice coming from the fireplace.

"Yes, I don't expect it to get any better. Do you?", answered Howl. The tall fair-haired wizard slowly walked closer to the fireplace.

"The heart is indeed a heavy burden. She was right, Calcifer.", said Howl as he placed another log into the fire. Howl sat on the chair by the fire and stared into the flames thoughtfully. The fire stared back with pitying eyes at Howl, but the wizard didn't seem to notice.

It was exactly a year on this day that the little flower shop at Market Chipping had closed permanently. The lady of the house, Sophie Hatter Pendragon, the eldest of the Hatter sisters, died after giving birth to her son. For the thirty straight days, the people of Market Chipping did not see the sun shine through dark, heavy clouds and misty fog that enveloped the town, it was as if the skies were lamenting the loss of Sophie Hatter. It was only when several royal carriages bearing the Prince's insignia stopped by the flower shop did the clouds start to clear and the weather return to normal in Market Chipping. Little did the people of Market Chipping know, it was only after much convincing from Prince Justin with the aid of Madame Suliman, that the wizard Howl lifted his unintended enchantment over the town.

Life was fairly quiet following those days and life returned to normal for most of Market Chipping except on what used to be the little colorful flower shop. Like a flower without light and water, the little shop seemed to have wilted over time. The people barely spared a glance at the little shop, and some people even avoided it at all costs due to the cold, uncanny feeling one felt whenever they pass by its doors.

Inside the little flower shop, the first light of the morning came filtering through the small window. The wizard Howl stood abruptly, causing the fire to let off some sparks.

"I'm heading out. Keep watch over Morgan until Michael wakes up. I will be back after my meeting with the Prince and Madam Sulliman. If anything arises, let me know immediately.", announced the wizard as he grabbed his black coat and closed the door.

"I will.", replied the fire as the door shut.

"Is he gone?", a voice asked from the shadows.

"He is. Poor chap, it's been a year on this day, you know.", replied Calcifer. The young man stepped out from the shadows at the foot of the staircase.

"I know. Sometimes I almost wish he didn't fall in love with Sophie so he wouldn't be like this. But then, we wouldn't have been happy, we won't be here without Sophie and we wouldn't have our Morgan." Michael sighed and looked desolately at Calcifer. "Speaking of Morgan, what shall we do for his first birthday?", asked Michael.

"I don't know. I wish Sophie was here, she would know what to do.", sighed Calcifer.

"I miss Sophie, too.", said Michael.

Just then, a loud knocking came from the door.

"Market Chipping door!", the fire announced.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2: In Which There is a Celebration**

"Open up! I want to see my beautiful nephew!", yelled Lettie as Michael opened the door. Piling down the boxes of plush toys, sweets and assorted cakes from Cessari's on Michael's arms, Lettie started walking towards the staircase.

"Don't wake him yet, let him have his sleep! He's a growing child, for crying out loud!", grunted Michael, whilst precariously trying to balance all the boxes on both arms and trying to block Lettie from going up the staircase.

"Never mind that, it's his first birthday today and I will make sure it's special!," yelled Lettie. "I'm sure Sophie would have wanted it to be so," added Lettie as an afterthought. An uncomfortable silence followed Lettie's words broken by a faint crying from the upstairs room.

"Great, now you've woken the little monster up!", Michael said exasperatedly, turning away from Lettie, who, after making sure no one would notice, wiped a tear off her cheek.

"I'll go and make some breakfast while you go and fetch him.", said Lettie as Michael went upstairs. Lettie walked over to the pantry and fetched a pan and spatula.

"You know, I'm only letting you do this because without you, nobody would be eating properly in this house since we lost Sophie.", said Calcifer grumpily as Lettie placed the pan with bacon and eggs over him.

"Oh hush, Calcifer. We both know you like me just as much as you liked my sister.", Lettie jokingly replied. "How is everything here, Calcifer? If you don't mind my asking.. I mean, how is Howl taking it? Especially today..", asked Lettie quietly.

"Still the same, Lettie. Howl is barely existing, he's not really living, if you know what I mean. If it weren't for Morgan, I don't think he'd be here at all. His work at the palace keeps him occupied during the day but apart from that, nothing seems to bring him joy. I know it sounds horrible, but I don't think even Morgan can fill the hole that Sophie left in his heart.," said Calcifer.

The room was silent apart from the sound of the sizzling bacon and eggs and the giggling and babbling that was slowly getting louder as Michael descended down the stairs carrying Morgan.

"Ata! Ata!", yelled Morgan as soon as he spotted Lettie by the fire. Morgan squirmed in Michael's arms reaching towards Lettie until Michael put him down on the floor. Morgan took several wobbly steps towards Lettie and buried his face in her skirts while giggling delightedly.

"Go ahead, I'll take it from here," Michael said to Lettie as he took the pan from Lettie's hand. Their hands briefly made contact and Michael's face turned a deep shade of red, luckily, Lettie's full attention was now on the little toddler on the floor and Michael's blush remained unnoticed.

"Oh, you look so handsome, my little boy! And so much bigger too! I can't believe you've grown so much since I last saw you two weeks ago!," cooed Lettie as she tickled Morgan. Morgan's peals of laughter was heard all around the house, giving a touch of cheerfulness to everybody. "I have a present for you, love.," Lettie said. As she rummaged through the assorted boxes on the floor, Michael set the food on the table and looked curiously.

"I didn't know what to get you, so I had this made special for you.," Lettie said as she opened a small box and held out a small necklace with a leather band and a small silver locket hanging from it. "It's to remind you that your mother will always be here with you.," Lettie tearfully said as she cradled Morgan on her lap and clasped the necklace on his neck. Morgan looked down on the likeness of Sophie in the locket, smiled, looked up at Lettie saying, "Mama?"

"Yes, that's your Mama, and she loved you very much, Morgan," Lettie replied tearfully.

"Quit making us cry, Lettie, you're going to put me out.," said Calcifer.

"I'm sorry, you're right, Calcifer! We should be celebrating today.", said Lettie while trying to wipe her tears using her sleeve.

"Let's take Morgan around the town after breakfast to celebrate, how does that sound to everyone?", Michael suggested cheerfully. Lettie and Calcifer nodded their approval. Together, the lady, the lad and the baby ate breakfast while the fire zoomed around the room in a blur, much to the baby's delight.


	3. Chapter 3

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part of Howl's Moving Castle, as you should know by now._

 **CHAPTER 3: In Which Howl Loses His Heart, Again**

Many months ago, Howl dreaded having to set foot in the King's palace in Kingsbury. As a matter of fact, he had to send Old Sophie to meet with the King and the Royal Wizard, Madame Suliman, to help him slither out of a war that he did not want to be a part of. How ironic, Howl thought, as he silently walked along the long and empty hallway, that he now found some solace in the quiet halls of the palace. Silently making his way to the Royal Gardens, Howl tried to push the memories of the last year to the back of his mind, to no effect.

It has been exactly a year since he lost his heart, this time, not quite physically albeit more painfully than the last time. And he can remember it as if it was just yesterday..

Howl woke up abruptly from a deep sleep as he heard a crash of breaking china downstairs. Howl immediately looked to his side and found Sophie's side empty. Unconsciously, the wizard transported himself downstairs in a second, just in time to catch Sophie as she started falling down to the floor. Sophie looked up at Howl through tearful eyes as she muttered, "Howl, I think it's time. But it's too early.," Howl held Sophie tightly and carried her to the cot he conjured out of thin air. Howl felt a warm, wet sensation on his forearm. He didn't have to look down to know she was bleeding.

"Calcifer, I need you.", whispered Howl in his mind, willing for the fire demon to hear him, wherever he was.

"Don't tell me you need hot water this early in the morning, Howl! I'm not having it.", hissed the fire demon.

"It's Sophie. And the baby.", replied Howl. He immediately felt the fire demon stop in its tracks as it replied, seriously, "What do you need me to do, Howl?"

"Fetch the doctor first, then get Lettie and tell her Sophie is having the baby early.", replied Howl. "And, Calcifer, please do it quick."

Howl looked down at Sophie's tear stained face and stroked her hair. "You're both going to be alright, Sophie, I won't let any harm come to either of you.", said Howl comfortingly. Sophie looked at Howl meaningfully and fearfully, as if trying to convey something that she couldn't quite put into words.

Just then, the door opened and Michael came into the door carrying buckets of flowers freshly picked from their secret garden. Michael quickly set the buckets aside and rushed to Howl's side as he saw the blood on the floor.

"What happened here, Howl? Sophie?", Michael asked.

"I think our little boy is trying to come out and see us early, Michael.", Howl said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Sophie just groaned quietly in reply. Michael felt that Howl was trying his best to keep Sophie from stressing too much. "Get me the fresh linens in the cabinet, Michael, some buckets of warm water and towels, please.", said Howl calmly while clutching Sophie's hand tightly in his own.

It seemed like forever until Calcifer came rushing in through the door with doctor, and Lettie not too far behind. "We're here, Howl.", said Calcifer.

The doctor immediately set aside her bag of instruments and stood by Howl and Sophie. "How long has she been like this?", asked the doctor as she laid her instruments on the table. "I would say almost half an hour," replied Howl without taking his eyes off Sophie, who was starting to look paler by the minute. "By the Gods, she's lost a lot of blood in so short a time. Lettie, I want you to assist me. We will have to deliver the baby and try and stop the bleeding. Now, if all you men wait outside please.," said the doctor sternly.

"Howl..", Sophie whispered. Howl tightened his grip on Sophie's hand.

"I'm not leaving her side.," replied Howl, looking at the doctor with a cold stare.

"Very well. You may stay.," replied the doctor. "You will have to help her to push."

Almost an hour later, Sophie laid her head back down on the cot, panting, after having long successive and painful contractions. "It's a healthy little boy.," announced the doctor as she wiped and wrapped the crying infant in a blanket. Sophie closed her eyes, squeezed Howl's hand and laughed weakly as she heard her baby boy's wailing for the first time. As the doctor leaned closer to Sophie so she could hold the baby, Sophie's eyed fluttered shut as her hand fell limp in Howl's hand.

Howl, who never took his eyes off of Sophie, stood up and leaned across Sophie. "What is happening? Sophie?," Howl said nervously while frantically trying to rouse Sophie from her stupor.

"Hold the baby, Lettie.", the doctor ordered as she placed the crying infant into Lettie 's arms.

"Her pulse is getting weak. She has lost a lot of blood, Mr. Pendragon. I will have to.."

The doctor's voice faded into nothingness as Howl's vision blurred. Howl snapped back to the present as he realized he had stopped in front of the doors to the garden. Howl turned the door knob and as he entered, he was met with a knowing stare from Madame Suliman and a suprised gasp from Prince Justin.


	4. Chapter 4

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part of Howl's Moving Castle, as you should know by now._

 **CHAPTER 4: In Which Howl Is Invited to a Wedding**

"What are you doing h..? What a pleasure to see you here today, Howl.", stammered Prince Justin as he tried to regain his composure. Howl bowed his head slightly saying, "Pleasure is all mine, your Highness."

"Howell Jenkins, I need your opinion on this matter.", said Madame Suliman. As their eyes met, Howl was glad his former mentor knew him better than to ask any questions. "The King has been invited to a royal wedding by the king of Strangia, as a sign of friendship. This will symbolize the seal of peace between our two nations. Their Crown Prince is to be wed in two months' time to a commoner." Howl's raised one eyebrow as he looked at Madame Suliman. "I believe their King is trying to remedy the resentment felt by the common people towards the monarchy following this terrible war.", said Madame Suliman in reply to Howl's unsaid query.

Howl had an inkling as to where this conversation was heading and was not surprised when the old lady continued, "I want you to accompany the Prince to attend the wedding. The King is far too proud to see his rival and alas, I am not young anymore, Howell, I am far too frail for this kind of travelling - with or without magic. And as the next Royal Wizard, I believe this will be a good opportunity for you to know more about diplomacy with our neighboring country." Diplomacy, right. More of know their weaknesses, Howl thought.

"That is if Wizard Howl wants to accompany me. Otherwise, I think I will be fine in the company of my men and other courtiers. I'm sure Howl will not want to spend time away from his son.", Prince Justin interjected.

"Who said he is going to be away from his son? I fully intend for him to bring his whole family with him, if he wants.", Madame Suliman replied, looking at Howl.

"But we are supposed to travel on foot, without magic.", argued Prince Justin. Looking from Howl to Madame Suliman. "Their king specifically asked for no magic to be done in his country, given the most recent things that have happened in the last war." Madame Sulliman looked meaningfully at Howl.

"I will make the arrangements for my family. Do not worry about it, Prince Justin. We will make sure to appear to travel on foot if that is what the king wishes. And I will refrain from using magic, as appropriate.", said Howl.

"That's settled then. Howl, you will come as Prince Justin's royal advisor and good friend. You will have to make sure to refrain from doing magic during your stay, lest we ignite another war.", said Madame Suliman.

Prince Justin, recognizing defeat, sighed and turned to face Howl. "Thank you, Howl. If there is any assistance you need from me or my men, let me know. We will leave in a fortnight, so we can be there in time for the month-long festivities."

Prince Justin bowed in front of Madame Suliman and kissed her hand before turning and leaving the garden. Howl slowly walked to the glass doors that overlooked the garden outside, vaguely remembering memories of being disguised as the king and flying a small aeroplane. The thought put a faint smile on the wizard's lips.

Madame Suliman's eyes followed Howl's form as he crossed the room. How he has changed, she thought.

"How is little Morgan?", asked Madame Suliman.

"He is a healthy and happy little child. He is starting to show more of himself and is very curious about the world around him.", Howl replied. "And to answer your real question, yes, he is showing signs of magic. It started a month ago. He was playing by the edge of the bed and turned too quick for me to catch him. He should have fallen, but I found him floating on his back about a foot from the floor." Howl turned to face Madame Sulliman.

"A month ago? That's quite early. But I had no doubt that he would inherit it, being that both his parents were magical.", said Madame Suliman. "Give him my love, will you? I know it's his first birthday today. Make it count, Howell. You will never get the time back, as you very well know. That is something not even magic can remedy.", said the old lady as she looked into Howl's eyes.

Howl nodded in reply and started walking to the door.

"And Howell.."

Howl stopped in his tracks and looked at his mentor. Madame Suliman paused somewhat awkwardly.

"..please don't let Justin fall in love with the Prince's fiancee. I would hate to have another pointless war."

"As you wish.", Howl uttered as he closed the door.

"And don't forget to live, Howell.", Madam Sulliman whispered to herself.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5: In Which Howl and Morgan Watch the Stars**

The sky was clear and a light breeze blew as night covered the streets of Kingsbury. A tall, solitary figure could be seen slowly walking on the street and paused in front of the famed Wizard Pendragon's shop. Howl could hear laughing and cheerful singing drifting through the portal door as he walked closer to his Kingsbury shop. With a sigh, Howl opened the door and entered the castle.

Howl couldn't help but smile at the sight that greeted him as he walked in the room. Covered in cake frosting and frozen in place as if they were caught doing something wrong, Morgan was perched on Michael's shoulders giggling uncontrollably while spreading cake frosting all over the apprentice's hair and face, meanwhile Lettie seemed to have been struggling to reach Morgan to wipe off frosting from his hair and face while Heen was trying and failing to reach Morgan's chair to get a piece of fallen meat pie.

A moment of silence ensued in the room upon Howl's arrival, shortly broken by Morgan's giggle and babbling of "Da-da-da" while the toddler reached out for his father. "I hope I wasn't too late for the party.", Howl said, smiling, while lifting the bag of cakes and pies he was holding. "Justin had these made special from palace kitchens for Morgan's birthday celebration.", Howl explained.

Calcifer, who appeared to have frozen upside down while twirling in mid-air, was the first to regain his composure. "Of course not, we were just getting started!", replied the fire demon.

"Yes, absolutely, we haven't even blown the candle yet. Michael here had the most absurd idea of making Morgan's cake levitate and look where that got us.", Lettie said disapprovingly as she looked down on the mess of what seemed to be a Cesari's cake on the table.

"Well, I would have succeeded, had somebody not handed the baby to me as I was performing the spell.", Michael replied grudgingly at Lettie.

Before they started bickering again, Howl walked over and with a swipe of his hand cleaned the table top and placed the bag he was carrying on the table. "Well, it's a good thing we have another cake, then.", Howl said as Michael handed a laughing Morgan to his father. Michael and Lettie set the assorted cakes and pastries on the table while knocking each other's elbows and muttering under their breaths.

A glint of silver under Morgan's shirt caught Howl's eye as he sat the toddler on his lap. Howl reached for it and found a locket. Upon opening it, Howl felt his breath get caught in his throat as he saw Sophie's likeness imprinted on it. He could feel Lettie, Michael and Calcifer stare at him as he looked down at the open locket.

"I.. I just thought it would be a good idea for Morgan to have something to remind him of his mother..", Lettie said quietly.

Howl looked up at Lettie and smiled. "It's a beautiful and perfect gift. Thank you, Lettie.", Howl replied. Michael, Lettie and Calcifer all seemed to loosen up as Howl turned to Morgan and started bouncing the little boy to shrieks of laughter.

The celebration of Morgan's birthday turned out to be better than what Michael, Lettie and Calcifer expected, especially with Howl cheering up as the night went on. At a quarter past eight in the evening, while everyone was full and content with all the cakes and pies, Howl slowly stood up and bundled up Morgan in a thick blanket.

"I'm taking Morgan out for a walk. We shouldn't take too long, but in case we miss you before you go, Lettie, I just want to thank you for being here today for Morgan..and for your gift. I know Sophie would have been pleased.", Howl said with a smile. The wizard turned around and walked out silently through the portal door.

"Did he just..?", Michael asked disbelievingly.

"Yes, he just did.", Calcifer replied, looking at the portal door.

"What is it? What did he just do?", Lettie asked curiously.

"He just went out to the secret garden with Morgan.. He has never been out there since we lost Sophie.", Michael replied.

(-)

The cool, light breeze and the smell of earth and flowers greeted Howl and Morgan as the wizard stepped out of his castle. Howl closed his eyes and took a deep breath before walking further out into the meadow. No matter how many times he had rehearsed going out to this place in his mind, nothing could have prepared him for the onslaught of memories of past times. Tightening his embrace on Morgan, Howl carefully walked in front of the little cabin and sat down on the soft, damp grass, placing the toddler in his lap while looking up at the sky. It was a clear night with no moon in sight and hundreds of stars could be seen twinkling from galaxies far away.

Morgan peered up curiously at his father as he tried to reach up with his little hand to touch his face. Howl looked down at Morgan and marveled at how much of Sophie he could see in his child's eyes.

"This is where I first saw your mother, Morgan.", Howl said as he held Morgan's hand. "Down there, across the lake. It was on a night very much like this. I briefly saw her then but I knew immediately that she was special." Morgan looked up at his father and smiled, as though he could understand what his father was saying.

"But I was a coward, son.", continued Howl. "It would take me almost nine years before I mustered the courage to find her and reveal myself to her. I was lost in my vanity for a while and I sought the company of other women because I was afraid of being tied down, of what would happen if I found that girl by the lake. I was afraid of how she will change everything, and most of all, I was afraid of losing the magic I had worked for all those years. But Calcifer helped me realize that I am losing something so much more by not trying to find her - I was losing my happiness and myself."

Howl gently kissed the frown forming on Morgan's forehead as the child seemed to listen on to the wizard's confession. "And so I looked for her everywhere. And I found her in a little hat shop in Market Chipping. I decided to watch her from afar for a while, partly because I wanted to know what was special about her and partly because I was still afraid." Howl smiled as he remembered memories of the countless times he entered that hat shop in disguise to try and get a glimpse of Sophie.

"I did get the courage to meet her, eventually. And was I glad I had followed her that day because I'm afraid of what could've happened to her if I didn't.", Howl paused. "I still can't put into words how I felt when I first held her in my arms that day.. I guess you could say it felt like I was finally home.", Howl whispered.

Morgan giggled and squirmed on Howl's lap and finally settled on lying down with his head on the crook of Howl's arm. The wizard stared off into the distance and whispered softly, "What I wouldn't give to feel her in my arms again..".

Just then the wizard waved his hand and conjured an image of Sophie.

"This place is gorgeous, Howl! It's like a dream!", said Sophie's image from near the small lake. The image disappeared and reappeared walking slowly to the door of the cottage, wearing a simple white gown and clutching a bouquet of flowers. Howl fought back tears as he let himself watch the image of Sophie on their wedding day. The image of Sophie was smiling, with tears in her eyes, looking straight ahead to where Howl was on their wedding day. Morgan looked on at the image of his mother until it disappeared and reappeared to a spot beside them. This time, the image of Sophie was lying down on her back and was gently caressing her belly.

"Soon we are going to meet our child, Howl. I still can't believe it. I wonder if he will look like you, or me?", said the image of Sophie as she sat up. "Oh Morgan, dear, we can't wait to meet you.." Just then, the image of Sophie gasped and looked straight at Howl, saying, "He moved, Howl! Give me your hand and feel him!"

Howl reached his hand out as the image of Sophie disappeared into thin air. A tear fell down on Morgan's cheek as he looked up at his father's tear-stained face.

"He looks just like you, my love.", whispered the wizard as he looked up at the stars.


End file.
